This morning before work, I didn’t feel like getting out of bed, and I also didn’t feel like watching YouTube until the very last minute as I usually do. So I got up made some coffee, and went back to bed, propped myself up and started to read a book I’ve been meaning to ready for a while now.
I’m good at making excuses not to read, and I’ve noticed that for the past while I’ve been feeling envious of people who can read quickly and are generally knowledgeable about things they’ve learned through books. That isn’t to say that I don’t read, but rather to say that I’ve had an aversion to it for a long time now.
Sure, if could come from my father trying to get me to read when I was younger because he loved to read, and I just rebelled against anything suggested, but since I’ve been in recovery I’ve discovered that it was something else deeper than a sense of parental rebellion. It was and is stupidity.
Let me explain. I would start to read, lose my focus, forget what I just read, and have to read again, making the whole process absolutely excruciating. I was slow, and just faked reading things quickly so that people wouldn’t think I’m stupid. My father and I, for example, would be looking at something at a museum and reading the signage, but when we talked about it I would refer to what I have seen and vaguely allude to what little I had read. I just couldn’t read quickly and hated how stupid, slow, and worthless it made me feel.
This morning however, I didn’t care about all of those negative feelings that come around when I read things. Instead I acknowledged that my brain was going to lose its focus, that I would daydream, skip some words, understand by context instead of completely, and all in all I was just kinder to myself. I wasn’t being as much of a perfectionist (*). This made this morning’s reading a much more pleasant experience.
I don’t always notice when this sort of thing happens, but reading is something I get down on myself for not doing, and I have found it quite hard to get back into every time I’ve tried.
Hopefully this keeps up, and if it doesn’t I’ll try not to get down on myself.
How about you? Is there anything that you have been avoiding due to negative past experiences? Let us know!
Originally posted 2018-01-16 13:28:06.