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When I was using and drinking, I was always looking over my back. Insecurities still haunt me and my decisions, but a lot less now that I have put some work into them. I remember, because it still happens occasionally, or when I fantasize about violence (*). In meetings concerning recovery a phrase or saying that is often shared is “Egomaniac with an inferiority complex”; and it is quite fitting for this kind of topic.

Drinking and using can be seen as “tough” things to do, and our society promotes their use (not necessarily the illegal drugs, but you get the point) to “take the edge off”. Unfortunately for me, I abused them and a lot of my fears, insecurities, anxieties and what have you’s came from the use of these substances. Subconsciously knowing that I needed to depend on these substances to cope with day to day life did not make me feel very tough, strong, or loveable…

I wanted, and sometimes still want, to fight people so that I can feel strong, powerful, or better than. I think that can explain the”Egomaniac with an inferiority complex” expression quite well. Especially because I only think about this kind of thing when I am hurting myself, and quite unhappy with myself or my life. It is a way for my mind to find a way to get a self-confidence boost, and also because “Hurt people, hurt people”.

Now, I find this quite funny because I know that fighting does not leave me feeling good. I’ve been in one or two that I would consider “worth it” and many others where I was the victim of intimidation or bullying. Yes, obviously trying to overcome the inferiority I felt due to this intimidation and bullying does play a huge part in my violent fantasies. Even those fights that were “worth it”, once I snapped out of the “rage phase”, ended up being quite unpleasant. The reality of hurting someone, either it be a kick too much, or one of those “Aw fuck I shouldn’t have said that! Please, let me take that back!” sentences, definitely didn’t end up being worth the initial rush.

I guess what I am trying to say is that fighting and using are similar. They are both quick “band aid” solutions to larger problems that can quickly cause irreversible consequences. This although they both serve their purpose in some situations.

Thank you.


Originally posted 2017-08-16 15:38:08.

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