A good friend of mine asked me a quesiton through social media the other day and I couldn’t help but share it with you.
So I have a question about, like, your past drug use and stopping and relapses and stuff.
You stopped cold turkey, right? (*)
So you would’ve had withdrawal out the ass for a few weeks, and turned to cigs instead.
May I ask how many times you’ve relapse on drugs or alcohol and why it happened? I’m not trying to be intrusive, I’m just curious and blunt enough to ask, so there’s no pressure if you don’t feel like sharing.
I love these questions. Let’s start with before knowing about recovery. Knowing about any meetings, when I thought I was lost in a vicious cycle that wouldn’t end with anything other than blowing my brains out.
I tried to control my using by using only after work, only on the weekends, only a certain type of drug, only a certain drink, and that didn’t work.
I kept trying that and it didn’t work. I was confronted by my family, and I tried, I mean I fucking tried for a month and a half or so. I was sweating, I was withdrawing, I was puking up nothing, I was seeing things, and hearing things that weren’t happening. For alcohol withdrawal, from what I know, these are called delirium tremors, or DTs (*). Other drugs have different effects.
Like I had dreams and visions, it was around the time of the Zika virus outbreak then, so I had dreams and hallucinations of Zika infected babies crawling around my room and ripping my heart out my chest through my throat and shit. It really wasn’t a good time!
I did that a few times, and I just kept drinking again because the fear of facing that alone again was stronger than the fear of hospitals and getting hit by a bus.
I actually just dreamt about getting hit by something anything just so I would end up at a hospital and someone would take care of me.
I started smoking at 17 and that was here and there, but when you’re in the drug crowd cigarettes are common place. They won’t kill you as quickly as the other shit, but they’ll still kill you. That’s why I didn’t mind, although I hated it and kept on smoking until I was ready to quit. I did have to apply the principles I learned in meetings and practiced for alcohol and drugs’ abstinence.
I stopped drugs years before I stopped alcohol. Every time I had to quit whatever it was cold turkey. Every time I tried it was the best solution. The expression bite the bullet is a great metaphor for this. So is rip the band aid or however that one goes. For me it was the best solution.
I only knew what a relapse was after I started going to meetings. I have no idea how many times I’ve relapsed dozens, two dozens, thirty times, most likely the latter if not more actually. A relapse can happen after 10 months and a half of abstinence like my last one (*), like it can happen after 2 days. At one point I would systematically make it to 3 weeks, 30 days and relapse (*). I have so many white and one month chips that it used to be embarrassing to know I had. Now I appreciate every one I have because I know it was an attempt I had at recovery. No, I didn’t succeed, but I tried. Whether I wanted it or not I tried, and I did what I thought was my best at the time.
I would relapse because I didn’t care anymore, I would relapse because I didn’t want to be the lame one not drinking, toking, whatever… I didn’t want to hear myself call myself a pussy faggot and other kind words so I drank and used.
These questions are great!
Thank you for asking!
And that is how I answered that question. The reason I say thanks at the end is because this question gave me the opportunity to reflect on my past, and see things in a new way, and unless I probably have something against a question or the person I will always answer it as honestly as possible as it is respectful of the question and more over myself.
Do you have any questions that people have asked you about your recovery? Any questions for me? I’d be glad to read your stories and answer your questions.
Originally posted 2017-10-15 12:56:09.