Although that may seem like an evident statement, it was made all the more clear to me this past weekend.
Since I have been working my recovery seriously and getting involved with other addicts, my “normy” friends, and new people my social agenda perpetually fills up. It gets to a point where I get socially overwhelmed. Now that I don’t have “aids” to help me cope with all of my social engagements, I find myself burning out a lot more often. Or at least, I allow myself to a little more.
Friday came along and I got invited to the beach, to play volleyball and to a movie. I couldn’t believe it! People want to hang out with me. It still baffles me sometimes that I was the only one that was preventing myself from being social. I preferred to drink and drug alone than to hang out with people. I actually resented people because I couldn’t drink or use as I pleased with others around.
I know why and how it got that bad, but it still seems ridiculous to me that I got to that point.
I digress, our beach plans fell through, but volleyball and the movie were still a go. I had a blast and the people I was with are all great people that had fun too. Then, after the motorcycle ride home, it started. I couldn’t sleep. Tossing and turning for a few minutes, then an hour. I was still fine. I slept an hour or so. 4AM came around and without better to do, I decided that I’d walk around looking for a pane of glass in people’s trash for a project I am working on before going to the gym.
I was tired which was fine, but then I got angry. I was fuming and I don’t know why! Past resentments? Shitty times in my childhood? My ankle hurts? The birds waking up and chirping? I simply couldn’t figure it out.
I found stuff that could work for my project and went home. The stuff didn’t end up working, but I didn’t even care. I was angry, anxious, and unmotivated. I couldn’t shake it off. People were texting me, which I would love generally, but I couldn’t give a shit less at that time. I was going to answer them later, if at all. I wanted to be alone for the rest of the weekend. I didn’t want to hang out or see anyone else. I had to play in a frisbee tournament that afternoon and that was going to be fine. I knew that at least.
Before then though I sat around and moped, from the couch to the bed, back to the couch with a pit stop at the fridge – there’s nothing I want to eat (the fridge, as a friend who came by later that day pointed out, is stacked and filled), and back to the bed. I put on some shows, and turn my back to the screen as they play. I am not ok.
I sleep a little more, and I feel better, but still not great. I eat, hop on the bike and go play some frisbee. I get there a little early feeling a little better, but still not great.
We play and we lose, but I feel better still. I go back home, take a shower, and a friend comes over for dinner. We talk and hang out, and then I go to a recovery oriented meeting I enjoy going to on a Saturday night (it’s way better an option than going to the bar at this point, even though I want to…). I go home, go to bed, and wake up Sunday morning.
I feel good, I feel way better and motivated. I go to the grocery store, do a bunch of things. Business ideas and project ideas are flowing I feel comfortable in my own skin. I don’t know what it is, but I know that it wouldn’t feel as good as it does if I hadn’t had felt so shitty yesterday. I feel motivated enough to write this post, and I am optimistic that the day will be good no matter what happens.
All this to say that: I can be stuck in a funk and feel like shit, but as long as I don’t succumb to the temptation of drinking or using it will pass. No matter how shitty, alone, dejected, or any other negative ways I could be feeling on any given day, it will pass.
Taking it a day at a time, Carpe Diem, or whatever you may say to get through a tough spot in time is a always a good start for me. I’ll try to keep that in mind next time my spiritual health feels like it’s beyond repair.
Originally posted 2016-07-27 19:13:41.